I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
