i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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