They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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