How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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