i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
ttyl tear gas
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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