The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
