If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
