i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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