yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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