I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
