Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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