I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
