I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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