Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just forgot I was standing up.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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