does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
