this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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