We named our party play list daddy issues
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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