Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
