Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
