I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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