I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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