You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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