so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
