No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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