I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
