hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
