I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
