I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
