I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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