he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Randomize
