That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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