you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
