There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
