Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
