between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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