just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
