Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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