I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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