i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
