I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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