another moral hangover. fuck.
he thought i was a dude.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
