saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
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