you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
