hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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