I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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