He uses pillows to masturbate.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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