I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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