from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
