I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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