Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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