I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
