I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
