Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
